June 1, 2010
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Courage
It has been a matter of mere personal reflection the idea that I have a social disorder of some sort. The story goes like this: he doesn’t care about social norms or what people think about him, therefore he has no social awareness or has a disability which impedes such considerations. Of course, these conclusions are without ground, for I am very aware of how I present myself (often for the sake of its effect I do it). Furthermore, I sometimes lay awake at night tossing, barking and throwing my fists at the fact that I may have ruined something important to me through my awareness of how I presented myself or what I said or what someone thinks. So, clearly I am not without these very considerations.
Then there is the other position which states that I am very confident, courageous and, perhaps at worst, arrogant. The idea is that I am so socially aware and proud that I do not care what people think of me, I am good enough and powerful enough (or rather, have enough drive), that I am able to be myself and do what I want no matter the cost. Nevertheless, I am sure only few think of me in this light. But still, at least the formation of this idea is conceived in the notion that I am able to act strangely despite social norms is a sign of courage.
If that is courage, I might agree that I am courageous. I fear, however, that this “courage” is, in reality, some sort of apathy for myself. That is, what is generally which differentiates courage from brashness or fool-hardiness is the idea that the person is willing to sacrifice himself for a cause, for a goal, for even an unworthy pursuit. Suppose, for example, the willingness to cast myself into the flames of social rejection for the sake of a poor joke given to make but a few people laugh. And it is for this reason, it could be that I am less socially aware as I should be, more apathetic about myself as I should be, and care too much about what others think (but significantly less than others do).
Meanwhile, at least convictions will not be impeded by appearances or social presence.
